Glow of the Fireflies
by Super Sheba
Summary: The feelings of love for him concealed within my heart would never be revealed to him; I had lost the battle. I became consumed by depression, unable to move, my body so overcome with grief." Kaoru reflects upon the day when hope fled and despair conque


SS: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any of its characters.  The dialogue in the italicized part of this story is the exact dialogue from the anime, so I don't own that either.  Anyways, on with the fic!  Enjoy!

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**Glow of the Fireflies**

Pain.  Such a new emotion, a feeling of loss surrounding the heart as it cries out for the comfort it so yearns for.  Blood seeps from the deep piercing within the heart as it threatens to shatter a person's very being.  I had never before truly experienced this feeling, but this sense of hopelessness would smear the tiny trifles into dust.  Each faint pang of pains past seemed like a single grain of rice compared to this overwhelming sense of loss.  Why was it so difficult to grasp the emotion and douse it like a flame?  Dreams lay forgotten, replaced by the depression consuming my soul.  Life could not be so tragic; fate would not allow such cruelty to befall a single person.  

Beauty and joy embraced each moment with that angel.  Each time he looked at me with those amethyst eyes my heart willed to escape from my bosom. My eyes would shine with a radiance no other being could bring forth, his tender touch summoning a peace that would soothe each sorrow.  Pain and grief would flee with every sweet and innocent word spoken by his rurouni voice.  He called himself unworthy and tainted by the blood of many, but in my eyes, his efforts to atone for those atrocities had washed away his poisoned past.  His past mattered not to me, for his gentle and compassionate words cleansed his guilty past.  To me he was a forgiven man, yet he still insisted his hands were far too stained by blood to ever attain the innocence he so longed for.  My heart longed to pull him into my embrace and soothe his soul.  It deeply saddened me to see him in so much pain.  Despite his attempts to conceal it, his lost gazes and pained eyes revealed his deep sorrow.  Could he not see me grieving every moment his past dared consume him?  A wise man he was, but at times he could be so blind to the emotions of those around him.  Within my heart I truly loved him, but now ...now he would never know.

_The night was beautiful and seemingly peaceful.  Darkness enveloped the world, but the dancing lanterns of the fireflies lit the river, the reflection of the silvery crescent moon reflected on the water.  I stood there in loneliness awaiting Kenshin's return, silently praying that he would stay, though somehow deep within my heart I knew he couldn't. Had it only been one week ago that Lord Okubo had declared the fate of __Japan__ depended on Kenshin?  How I wished Lord Okubo had never come, our world left unbroken.  A burbling sound rang in the silent of night as the river carved the rocks blanketing the riverbed.  Believing that my happiness was more important than my country was but a girlish whim, and I forced the thought from my mind.  The sound of a gentle voice caused me to whirl around to see Kenshin nearing me._

_"They're beautiful fireflies, aren't they?" Kenshin's tender voice said as my eyes met his._

_"Kenshin!" I cried, a tone of joy in my voice as I saw him, believing he was here to stay, and my suspicions wrong.  "Ken…shin?_

_"Lord Okubo was assassinated today."_

_"I know, I heard the news…" _

_"Shishio was behind it all.  One of his men did it.  I can't just stand by and allow Shishio to continue doing this.  I'll be going to __Kyoto__."_

_"__Kyoto__...Does that mean, you're going back to the man you were ten years ago?"_

_"I don't know yet.  For ten years, I've forbidden myself from becoming that man again, always staying in control.  However, my battle with Saito earlier taught me something very clearly.  It showed me that deep within myself, there is an angry manslayer who will never be able to change his ways."_

_"But Kenshin, you were always able to go back to normal again! No matter how close you get to being the battousai, you'll always be the person you really are, a wanderer who doesn't kill!"_

_"If I stay here any longer, every incident that I become involved with will endanger you all, and I'll get closer to being the battousai each time.  When I first met you, I remember you telling me Miss Kaoru, how you felt my past wasn't really all that important.  I was happy you said that.  My soul was refreshed day after day, and I truly felt that I could become a normal swordsman, I truly did."      _

_Strong arms wrapped around me as I found myself in Kenshin's embrace.  It felt wonderful, as though I had been carried up to heaven, but the pain surrounding his embrace seemed like hell.  Icy tears streamed down my cheeks as I remained cradled in his arms. I longed to enjoy the precious moment, but the thought of being pulled away from Kenshin's tender embrace only urged more tears to fall.  A sense of loss gripped me as the sorrowed look in his eyes shattered my heart.  Fate had been cruel to me, taking the one thing I truly loved.  Lord Okubo was dead, yet Kenshin still felt he must go to __Kyoto__ and fight.  I couldn't bear the thought of Kenshin returning to the battousai, his former self.  As my eyes had gazed upon the fight between Kenshin and Saito, I had seen the man I cared so deeply for slowly slip into the grasps of a monster.    _

_"Thank you for everything.  I'm a wanderer Miss Kaoru, and it's time to wander again. Farewell."_

_Kenshin slowly released me from his arms and turned to walk away, the soles of his sandals making a scuffing sound as he left.  My knees shook as I collapsed to the ground, my heart bleeding as I longed to cry out in grief.  A rope seemed to wrap itself around me, paralyzing the body that so longed to move.  Maybe it was my heart telling me that I had to let go, or maybe my grief overcame my movement, but that I do not know, and I don't believe I ever shall.  Threads of fate did not will me to move, and I lay on the ground weeping as I watched Kenshin's form disappear into the night._

Why I allowed Kenshin to depart will forever remain a mystery, for even my heart does not understand.  The feelings of love for him concealed within my heart would never be revealed to him; I had lost the battle.  I became consumed by depression, unable to move, my body so overcome with grief.  Hope was fleeting, for each time it blossomed, my soul would sob and destroy the tiny sentiment.  Defeat was an ominous emotion, seeping into each thought within my pained being.  Hunger and fatigue were wiped from my mind, as all emotion but sorrow fled.  I feared for Kenshin, afraid that his peaceful life would be swept away from him.  

Megumi entered the room, a plate of food I had earlier refused in her arms.  No hunger gnawed at my stomach, though I had not eaten for two days.  Grief was the only emotion I felt.  Megumi lay down the plate before me and motioned me to eat it.  I only rolled over to face the wall, rejecting the food and its tantalizing scent.

"Ken…shin…." I whispered almost inaudibly as Megumi became exasperated.  "How could you leave me….."

"Get a hold of yourself Kaoru!" yelled Megumi as she slapped me across the face.

"You don't know what it feels like to see someone you care about leave you to risk his life!"  

"No Kaoru, I don't.  But at least he said goodbye to you!!  He left me behind without a simple farewell!" Megumi shouted as she left the room, carrying the rejected food.

How true those words were, and a sense of bewilderment filled my mind.  Had there been a reason he had only bid me farewell?  

"No…." I thought as more tears streamed down my face.

Kenshin only bid me farewell because I was there when he arrived home.  Had I not been by the stream, he would have left all of us without explanation.  His words continued to pierce my heart, and the pain refused to leave.  

_ "If I stay here any longer, every incident that I become involved with will endanger you all, and I'll get closer to being the battousai each time.  When I first met you, I remember you telling me Miss Kaoru, how you felt my past wasn't really all that important.  I was happy you said that.  My soul was refreshed day after day, and I truly felt that I could become a normal swordsman, I truly did."_

I held those words close to my heart, their sweet meaning the only hope in the darkness surrounding my soul.  His words made it sound as though he truly cared.  Could his stay at the dojo have truly been a joyous and hopeful one?  The thought of his farewell drifted to the front of my mind, its meaning suddenly becoming clear.  Kenshin was not sure he would return alive, but cared so much for his friends that he would forfeit his happiness to protect them.  Such a kind and selfless act was not that of a treacherous murderer, and I could not see a man such as Kenshin ever being a ruthless killer.  

"If he defeats Shishio…maybe he shall return to the dojo!" I thought hopefully as I sat up.

I thought of Kenshin's well being and prayed for his safe return.  There must have been meaning to his departure, for his embrace had been that of love, not of apology.  My love for him only grew as I thought of his courageous acts and the effort he put into protecting me.  Kenshin had been so selfless, risking his life daily for the people he cared so much for.  

"I must be strong….." I whispered as I struggled to lift my body from my futon.  "Though Kenshin has suffered greatly, he still awakens each day with a sweet smile on his face and lives on.  Many men would have ended there lives in suicide had they experienced such sorrow and guilt, yet Kenshin remains strong.  Kenshin may grieve, but he does not allow his sorrow to break him."

A realization of my foolishness dawned upon me.  I had no right to complain; my grief was nothing in the eyes of Kenshin's suffering.  Though my grievances were pitiful, I knew Kenshin would have looked at me with compassion and remained by my side until my pain subsided.  My longing to tell Kenshin of my feelings continued to fill my heart with pain, and I yearned to remove this dagger of sorrow.

"Kenshin….I'm so sorry." I cried to the empty room around me, feeling as though Kenshin could hear my words.  "I've been foolish, flaunting my suffering as though it is greater than yours.  Kenshin...I care for you more than you will ever understand.  I know that you find yourself unworthy, but in my eyes, your sins are forgotten.  How could I ever judge you when I, myself, am not perfect?  That is a far greater sin than any amount of bloodshed.  I only wish for you to understand and to care for me as much as I do you."

It was as though he had heard my words, for years later I remember him telling me of when he first heard me admit my love.  It was not when he had asked me to marry him, nor was it when he returned from Kyoto.  I heard him repeat me the words I had said to him that day hope had been snatched from life.    

"Miss Kaoru….I know I may not return home alive and have greatly pained you, but please wait.  Please wait for me to return….for I believe life holds much for us together.  Wait for me…." was his reply.   


End file.
